September 26, 2021: The Truth Project: Speaking The Truth
Ephesians 4:15-32
Rev. Rhonda Blevins
But speaking the truth in love, we must grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ, from whom the whole body, joined and knit together by every ligament with which it is equipped, as each part is working properly, promotes the body’s growth in building itself up in love.
Now this I affirm and insist on in the Lord: you must no longer live as the Gentiles live, in the futility of their minds. They are darkened in their understanding, alienated from the life of God because of their ignorance and hardness of heart. They have lost all sensitivity and have abandoned themselves to licentiousness, greedy to practice every kind of impurity. That is not the way you learned Christ! For surely you have heard about him and were taught in him, as truth is in Jesus. You were taught to put away your former way of life, your old self, corrupt and deluded by its lusts, and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and to clothe yourselves with the new self, created according to the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness.
So then, putting away falsehood, let all of us speak the truth to our neighbors, for we are members of one another. Be angry but do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and do not make room for the devil. Thieves must give up stealing; rather let them labor and work honestly with their own hands, so as to have something to share with the needy. Let no evil talk come out of your mouths, but only what is useful for building up, as there is need, so that your words may give grace to those who hear. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with which you were marked with a seal for the day of redemption. Put away from you all bitterness and wrath and anger and wrangling and slander, together with all malice, and be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ has forgiven you.
______
A very elderly couple was having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary.
The old man leaned forward and said softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our 10th child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for and your answer cannot take that away. But I must know, did he have a different father?"
The wife dropped her head, unable to look her husband in the eye. She paused for a moment longer and then confessed, “Yes. Yes, he did.”
The old man was very shaken. The reality of what his wife had done hit him harder than he had expected.
With a tear in his eye, he asked, “Who? Who was he? Who was the father?”
Again, the old woman dropped her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband.
Finally, she said, “You.”
Poor old guy! Now, with that story in mind, and keeping in mind the old adage that “honesty is the best policy,” I want to take a little poll. How many of you think that the old woman did the right thing by finally confessing and telling the truth to her husband? How many of you think it would have been better for the old woman to lie in this instance?
This is an example of two competing virtues. On one hand, telling the truth is a virtue. On the other hand, empathy—compassion—is a virtue. Yes, the old woman was honest (finally!), but was her confession the most compassionate response she could have given to her husband who was probably 95-years-old?
In this third and final sermon for the series I’ve called “The Truth Project,” we shift from what we allow into our minds—recognizing we have some control over whether we allow falsehoods to enter our minds—to what flows from our minds, often via our mouths, but these days also through what we write in emails or share on social media platforms.
I’ve been thinking about truth, in part, because I’ve been asked to write a chapter in a book about women in ministry. The contributors are all from the Baptist tradition, like me; we have been asked to share our stories—our journeys into vocational ministry out of a tradition that still does not allow women to preach or be pastors. They want us to tell our stories truthfully, with a measure of vulnerability. As I’ve been writing, the most painful parts of my story intersect with other stories. Occasionally they implicate other people. Do I tell those stories? But how can I tell my story with the most integrity I can summon without intersecting with and implicating others? Are there parameters around “speaking truth” and if so, what are they? Is honesty really the best policy? Always?
My husband is good at threading the needle. Sometimes I’ll try on a new outfit, and I’ll ask him, “Honey, does this look good on me?” Gentlemen, you know this is a dangerous question. If he says yes, I’ll probably think he’s lying (if I thought I looked good in it, I wouldn’t have asked his opinion.) If he says no . . . he’ll find himself with a backache the next day after a long night on the couch. This is a precarious position I’ve put him in. The situation is dire. You know how he answers this question? (Fellows, you might want to write this down.) He says, “Honey, you’re beautiful whatever you wear!” (See what he did there?) “What do you think?”
Husband of the year! Guys, you can thank Terry Blevins for the script.
But what about when life is unscripted? When we’re caught somewhere between truth and compassion?
For help, let’s turn to the scriptures, particularly to the letter that Paul (or someone using Paul’s name) wrote to the church at Ephesus. The overarching theme of this letter is to encourage the people in the church to get along with each other—a teaching that never goes out of style. Within that greater theme of unity, the author offers a lesson on honesty, particularly as it relates to our relationship with others inside the church but can certainly be applied more broadly to honesty and integrity in all our relationships.
So to help us, I’ve created an acronym. Can you guess what the acronym will spell?
S-P-E-A-K! With this acronym, let’s dive more deeply into this passage of scripture, and see what we might glean for the living of these days.
S is for “speak the truth in love.”
Verse 15:
“Speaking the truth in love, we must grow up in
every way into him who is the head, into Christ.”
See how the author wove those two virtues together? Truth + love. Honesty + compassion. Maybe it’s not always cut and dry, this “honesty is the best policy” adage. I probably looked terrible in that outfit, but maybe it was better for me not to hear that from my husband. Maybe that old man would have been better off not knowing that nine of the kids he raised weren’t his. I do believe that “honesty is the best policy,” generally speaking. But not if love or compassion is trampled in the process.
Emily Dickenson wrote an amazing poem that addresses how we might speak the truth in love:
Tell all the truth but tell it slant —
Success in Circuit lies
Too bright for our infirm Delight
The Truth’s superb surprise
As Lightning to the Children eased
With explanation kind
The Truth must dazzle gradually
Or every man be blind —
As a preacher, as a person given the responsibility to use words (a lot of words) and to tell the truth, this poem has been a lodestar for me. Every Sunday, I tell the truth, but tell it slant. Terry Blevins tells the truth but tells it slant when I ask him how I look in my new outfit.
Honesty + compassion. S is for “speak the truth in love.”
P is for “put away falsehood.”
Verse 25
“So then, putting away falsehood, let all of us speak the truth
to our neighbors, for we are members of one another.”
Now, I’ve just suggested that there may be occasions in which honesty may not be the best policy. If you must choose between honesty and compassion or empathy, sometimes empathy may win out.
So how do we unpack this admonition in this verse to “put away falsehood”?
It may help us to think about motives. What might be the motive behind a falsehood or lie? When we lie for another’s benefit, we might call it a white lie. Social scientists call them prosocial lies. Prosocial lies can build trust and spark benevolence between people. On the flip side of that coin are antisocial lies. These lies are usually self-serving and often destructive. These are the falsehoods Paul tells us we must put away. They can destroy relationships and communities, including church bodies. P is for “put away falsehood.”
E is for “edify.”
Verse 29
“Let no evil talk come out of your mouths, but only what is useful for building up, as there is need, so that your words may give grace to those who hear.”
In other words, edify.
Remember this nursery rhyme from your childhood?
Sticks and stones can break my bones
But words will never hurt me.
We know that’s a lie. What about this adage . . . did you hear this when you were a kid?
If you can’t say something nice . . .
Come sit by me!
Haha! A funny twist on:
If you can’t say something nice,
Don’t say anything at all.
I think that gets closer to what Paul expected from his friends in Ephesus. Maybe Paul had read the book of Proverbs 12:18
“The words of the reckless pierce like swords,
but the tongue of the wise brings healing.”
If our words, not only what we say but what we write, what we retweet, what we share, if it isn’t useful for “building up,” then don’t say it, write it, tweet it, share it.
Easy enough. The harder part of this teaching is that this reminds us that grousing and complaining—again, language that isn’t edifying—this negativity is not helpful for the community. It’s so easy to allow ourselves to get into this kind of thinking. But Paul reminds us to stop and check our motives before we drop that complaint upon another. E is for “edify.”
A is for “abolish anger, attacks & insults.”
Verse 31
“Put away from you all bitterness and wrath and anger
and wrangling and slander, together with all malice.”
Writing my story this past week, I was reminded of an experience in my college days.
When I was a college student contemplating vocational ministry, I attended a conference at the Southern Baptist Theological Seminary in Louisville, Kentucky . . . one of the breakout sessions was about women in ministry. I was thrilled that there was such a session. With great zeal I sat among other women who, like me, were considering vocational ministry. The presenter was a female military chaplain. She looked sharp in her uniform. I can’t recall anything she said that day. What I do remember about her is that she was angry—livid, really—at the years of misogyny she experienced at every step in her vocational journey. The excitement I had going into the breakout session was doused with her bitterness. It was . . . sad. I decided that day that if I was going to pursue vocational ministry, I would not give myself to that kind of rage. Looking back on that experience, I see that I judged her harshly. Letting go of resentments isn’t always easy, and shadow work continually reveals hidden layers of latent acrimony. Years and experience have helped me appreciate that sister and her journey. Her generation smoothed the way for my generation. And while the path remained circuitous, there have surely been fewer obstacles because of her and other trailblazers.
We all get angry from time to time. It’s a normal human emotion. It’s not a sin to feel angry. But when we harbor resentments, when we allow vitriol to set up camp in our hearts, it seeps out of us. We can’t help it, not can we often recognize it. Joy, positivity, compliments—all seems feigned if we allow bitterness to gain a foothold. So feel angry, yes. Call it what it is. Notice it. Then let it go.
Refrain from insulting others, yes, even drivers on the roundabout. Be angry, yes, then let it go. No need to drop every expletive in the book! Gossip, slander—obviously have no business coming out of someone who says they love the Lord. A is for “abolish anger, attacks & insults.”
K is for “kindle kindness.”
Verse 32
“Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another,
as God in Christ has forgiven you.”
This is one of the first Bible verses children learn as toddlers in Sunday school. Perhaps you learned it from the King James Version: “Be ye kind, one to another.” Why do you think that’s one of the verses that’s often taught to very young children? Because they quarrel and bicker and don’t know how to share. The second question I pose is like it: why do you think Paul had to remind his friends in Ephesus to be kind to each other? Because apparently, they were quarreling and bickering and didn’t know how to share!
That kind of sounds like the United States in 2021! Don’t you wish Paul could write a letter to our nation and remind us: “Be ye kind, one to another!” This is how Paul sums up his instructions on speaking truth to one another, simplifying it to this one elementary teaching: “Be kind.”
Kindness isn’t rocket science. Studies show that kindness has ripple effects. Here’s an example:
Let’s say you decide to stop and get a treat at Dunkin Donuts—the one at the gas station as you turn left on the Dunedin Causeway from Alt-19. The drive thru is super busy, but you have a place in the line that circles the building. A lady pulls in from the north, trying to get in the line, but as she pulls in, there is nowhere for her to go. Her place in the line would be behind you, but there is no way for her to get back there. The back end of her car is precariously stuck in the road. She looks distraught. What are you going to do? You’re going to let her in because your preacher just dropped the “Be ye kind, one to another” thing on you. So you wave her in front of you and you don’t think a thing about it. Eventually you make you way around the drive thru, place your order, and when you pull up to the window, guess what? She’s paid for your treats! What kindness returned back to you! Now what are you going to do? You were ready to drop $5 or $10 bucks for a snack. Are you going to keep that big money for yourself? Of course not! (Because of the sermon, of course!) No, you tip the kid in the drive thru, or you pay for the car behind you . . .
“Kindness is just love with its work boots on.” —unknown
K is for “kindle kindness.”
Let’s review:
Speak the truth in love.
Put away falsehood.
Edify.
Abolish anger, attacks & insults.
Kindle kindness.
That’s how we “SPEAK” truth. It’s not always easy. We’re going to need lots of help from the Holy Spirit. So let’s wrap up this series asking for the help we need. Let us pray:
We come before you, O God, in need of your wisdom.
We so desire honest relationships, but too often we fall short.
We open our mouths and trivial things fall out. Or worse, hurtful things.
Help us to speak gentle words, and kind. Hopeful words, and true.
And when those words cannot be formed and cannot be found,
Help us to utter no words at all.
We confess that we are more interested in speaking than listening.
More concerned about telling than hearing.
Too quick to blabber, too slow to understand.
Forgive us.
So grant your wisdom, that we might speak truth infused with kindness,
honesty endowed with grace, candor imbued with compassion.
And when difficult conversations arise, help us summon our better angels.
Empower us to speak up when silence would be easier,
And to shut up when our words land more like weapons than salve.
Attune our ears to the truth, grant us humility that we might be able to change our minds.
Open our hearts to another’s truth,
and our mouths to ask for forgiveness
when we recognize what harm our tongues have inflicted.
Use our tongues to make us a blessing to the world all around.
Through Jesus the Christ we pray, amen.