October 17, 2021: Resilience: Self-Compassion
Mark 12:28-34
Rev. Rhonda Blevins
One of the scribes came near and heard them disputing with one another, and seeing that he answered them well, he asked him, “Which commandment is the first of all?” Jesus answered, “The first is, ‘Hear, O Israel: the Lord our God, the Lord is one; you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind, and with all your strength.’ The second is this, ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these.” Then the scribe said to him, “You are right, Teacher; you have truly said that ‘he is one, and besides him there is no other’; and ‘to love him with all the heart, and with all the understanding, and with all the strength,’ and ‘to love one’s neighbor as oneself,’—this is much more important than all whole burnt offerings and sacrifices.” When Jesus saw that he answered wisely, he said to him, “You are not far from the kingdom of God.”
After that no one dared to ask him any question.
______
As the mom of two boys, I am constantly teaching manners. “If you ask for something, say ‘please.’” “If someone does something nice for you, say ‘thank you.’” “Don’t interrupt when someone else is speaking, but if you must, say ‘excuse me.’” “Don’t walk between people who are speaking.” “Don’t grab.” “Don’t ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant.” And that doesn’t even touch the dinner table! “Wait for everyone to be seated before you start to eat.” “Place your napkin on your lap.” “Place one hand on your lap.” “Don’t put your elbows on the table.” “Chew with your mouth closed.” “When you cut something, transfer your fork to your left hand, cut with your right hand, then switch the fork back to your right hand.” (How inefficient is that, by the way?)
So many rules! And I didn’t scratch the surface. I doubt I know all the rules, having never been to finishing school. Hard for a kid to keep up!
Judaism is known for its many rules. The religion Jesus was born into was known for its 613 rules—the Hebrew Bible contains 365 negative rules (“Thou shalt not”) and 248 positive commandments (“Thou shalt.”) The entire religion during Jesus’ day had devolved into keeping score around how well someone could obey all these commandments.
An ancient story from the Talmud tells about the great rabbi, Hillel. One day a pagan came to him and said that he would convert to Judaism if a rabbi could stand on one leg and recite the entire Jewish law. Hillel stood on one foot and said, “That which is hateful to you, do not do to your neighbor. That is the Torah—the rest is commentary. Go and study it.”
Today’s Gospel reading comes at the end of a long line of challenges to Jesus and his teachings. Pharisees and Herodians tried to trap him with a question about taxes. A Sadducee tried to trip him up with a test about the resurrection. Then there were the scribes, who the Gospel writer portrays as the archenemy, who undermined and challenged Jesus at every turn. In the previous chapter Mark tells us that they wanted Jesus dead because they felt threatened by his popularity. Mark portrays Jesus as brilliant with his responses that consistently shut up his challengers.
So here comes yet another scribe with a question for Jesus. “Which commandment is the greatest?” Jesus offered first the standard wisdom of the day, quoting the Shema (Deuteronomy 6:4-5): “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind, and with all your strength.” And then Jesus added a second commandment (from Leviticus 19:18)—the way to behave in accordance with the first commandment: “’You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these.”
Here’s the plot twist: we expect this scribe to be the enemy, but here Jesus finds a brother. To our great surprise, the scribe agrees with Jesus, saying that Jesus is spot-on with his interpretation. Jesus, impressed with the scribe’s reply, offered the mysterious, esoteric response, “You are not far from the kingdom of God.”
The fact that these two found common ground here is profound. The scribe, a representative of the establishment, and Jesus, this radical revolutionary—found common ground: the central teaching of the faith—the most important commandment—is love.
Love is the point. Love for God; love for neighbor. The entire law summed up in these two commandments.
But notice what’s implied in his admonition to “love your neighbor as yourself.” Self-love is the prerequisite. Can we truly love our neighbor if we don’t first love ourselves? Or let’s use a synonym of love here—can we extend genuine compassion to our neighbor if we can’t first extend compassion to ourselves?
Famed poet Maya Angelou didn’t think so. She once said, “I don’t trust people who don’t love themselves, but say I love you.”
This “love your neighbor as yourself”—this assumed self-love or self-compassion—seems to be a prerequisite for any authentic human love. And this self-compassion happens to be one of several evidence-based methods for building resilience.
This idea of self-compassion is tricky. When I first started reading about self-compassion, I wrestled with the idea, conflating self-compassion with self-centeredness. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. The preeminent researcher on self-compassion, Dr. Kristen Neff describes this conundrum this way:
“For many, [self-compassion] carries the whiff of all those other bad “self” terms: self-pity, self-serving, self-indulgent, self-centered, just plain selfish. Even many generations removed from our culture’s Puritan origins, we still seem to believe that if we aren’t blaming and punishing ourselves for something, we risk moral complacency, runaway egotism, and the sin of false pride.”[1]
Self-compassion, however, is a gentle, humble approach. Without this gentle, humble approach toward ourselves, it makes that Jesus “love your neighbor” thing nearly impossible, or at the very least inauthentic.
So if self-compassion, the “as yourself” part of “love your neighbor as yourself,” isn’t self-centeredness, then what is it exactly?
Neff says that:
self-compassion entails three core components. First, it requires self-kindness, that we be gentle and understanding with ourselves rather than harshly critical and judgmental. Second, it requires recognition of our common humanity, feeling connected with others in the experience of life rather than feeling isolated and alienated by our suffering. Third, it requires mindfulness—that we hold our experience in balanced awareness, rather than ignoring our pain or exaggerating it. We must achieve and combine these three essential elements in order to be truly self-compassionate. [2]
Neff developed an inventory—people can take the inventory to measure self-compassion. Questions include:
When things are going badly for me, I see the difficulties as part of life that everyone goes through.
When I fail at something important to me, I try to keep things in perspective.
I try to be understanding and patient towards those aspects of my personality I don't like.[3]
So how does self-compassion relate to resilience? I’m glad you asked!
One study that Neff and her colleagues performed:
required people to imagine being in potentially embarrassing situations: being on a sports team and blowing a big game, for instance, or performing in a play and forgetting one’s lines. How would participants feel if something like this happened to them? Self-compassionate participants were less likely to feel humiliated or incompetent, or to take it too personally. Instead, they said they would take things in stride, thinking thoughts like “Everybody goofs up now and then” and “In the long run, this doesn’t really matter.” Having high self-esteem, however, made little difference. Those with both high and low self-esteem were equally likely to have thoughts like, “I’m such a loser” or “I wish I could die.” Once again, high self-esteem tends to come up empty-handed when the chips are down.[4]
Self-compassionate individuals are resilient!
For those of you still not convinced, who think self-compassion is too “soft” or perhaps because you pride yourself on being your own worst critic, consider what Paul wrote to his friends in the church at Rome:
There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has set you free from the law of sin and of death. For God has done what the law, weakened by the flesh, could not do.
—Romans 8:1-3a
If God does not condemn us, why do so many of us make a sport out of condemning ourselves? Because our lives are hidden in Christ, compassion, not condemnation rules. Maybe, just maybe, God wants—even expects—us to extend that same grace and compassion to ourselves.
How, then, do we do that? Here’s a practice Neff teaches called the “self-compassion break.”
Begin by thinking of a difficult situation in your life . . . something moderately challenging and not overwhelming as you are beginning the practice. Think about the situation . . . remember what happened or what you think might happen. Then follow these three steps, corresponding with the three aspects of self-compassion:
Be mindful: Without judgment or analysis, notice what you’re feeling. Say, “This is a moment of suffering” or “This hurts” or “This is stress.”
Remember that you’re not alone: Everyone experiences these deep and painful human emotions, although the causes might be different. Say to yourself, “Suffering is a part of life” or “We all feel this way” or “We all struggle in our lives.”
Be kind to yourself: Put your hands on your heart and say something like “May I give myself compassion” or “May I accept myself as I am” or “May I be patient.”[5]
If we can grow in this way—in the way of self-compassion—then we are better able to “love our neighbor.” Better able to extend compassion, grace, gentleness, mercy. Better able to live into the most important command we’re given: love.
I close by calling to mind the “love chapter” in the Bible from 1 Corinthians 13. I read this yesterday at a wedding. This passage describes agape love—the kind of love God has for us and we have for God and others in return. I most often think of this “love chapter” in terms of how we relate to others, but today, let’s turn this love back around to ourselves, remember God loves us. “God don’t make no junk!” So as I read, relax. May God help us love not only others, but ourselves, with this kind of love:
Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. And now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; and the greatest of these is love.
[1] Kristen Neff, https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/the_five_myths_of_self_compassion
[2] Ibid. https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/try_selfcompassion
[3] You can take the inventory here: https://self-compassion.org/test-how-self-compassionate-you-are/
[4] https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/try_selfcompassion
[5] https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/five_science_backed_strategies_to_build_resilience